Oh, my heart…..

Sitting alone in my room, full of thoughts and feelings that tear me down. What should I do now? I feel so inadequate. I feel so worthless and unloved. But why? I have a perfectly good life. In fact, my life is awesome. I have everything that I could ever want, and I have people who love me. So why do I feel this way? Why am I stuck in this….um….what’s it called again? Oh, depression. That’s what it’s called. I try and rationalize why I am so down, but I don’t really understand. I don’t think I’m trying to get attention, because I honestly feel like this sometimes. And then I feel as though I have a horrible life, and nothing could get worse. But that has never been true, I know that.
I can think back to so many times where I have looked in the mirror, and told myself that I looked ugly, or fat. I don’t know why I’m the only one who sees that though, cause when I ask other people how I look, they say I look nice. Are they lying to me? Why would they lie to me about something like that? Maybe I am lying to myself. But is that even possible? Can you lie to yourself? Or maybe it’s the mirror. It’s lying to me. Or maybe it’s my eyes. Maybe I can see the beauty in everyone but myself. But I wonder why? Have you ever looked in the mirror and wished you could change something about yourself, ever? I’m sure you have, I’m sure most people have at least once. So you know what I mean, and how I feel. But I still don’t know why. Why can’t we just be satisfied with who we are? Weren’t we made the way we are for a reason? And we are unique. I am the only person in the world who is exactly like me, and you are the only person in the world who is exactly like you. Truly, there isn’t anyone like you, anywhere. I need to remember that as much as you, because I often wish I could be different, look different, act different. What makes us feel like that though? There must be some explanation. And I honestly don’t think that it’s the mirrors’ fault. And it’s not someone else’s fault, unless there is someone who tells you how ugly or unworthy you are. And if that is your story, then I’m so sorry. I hope that you can get out of that situation. But it’s not my story. I have no external influences telling me I’m not good enough. I tell myself. But why? Seriously, why on earth would I do that? Well, I don’t have an easy answer, but I think my insecurities come from my experiences sometimes. Or by how I view others. When I see someone who is skinnier than me, or prettier than me I start comparing myself to them. Then I convince myself that unless I lose weight, I will never be loved by anyone. But what if there is someone looking at me and feeling that same way? I have no right to be dissatisfied by how I was created. Now, I can’t promise that this will help you, or fix your problems. But I want you to at least listen to what I have to say. You are amazing in your own special way. Try not to compare yourself with others, because it’s a never ending painful game that has no winner. You can’t do yourself justice when you compare yourself, because you are amazing and so is everyone else. And why are we amazing? Because God created us and made us amazing. That is the simple answer. The next time you look in the mirror and start whispering lies to yourself, whisper this to yourself instead; “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” (Psalm 139:14)
I have trouble telling people about the messy parts of my life, but I want to share them with you so I can share what I went through and what I learned. As I said earlier, I have issues with feeling fat. I think that that is a very common problem these days. And it does come from comparison, or discontent. But it can often manifest itself in some very hard and painful ways, such as eating disorders. You probably know what I mean when I say that, but you might not know the full extent. People with eating disorders die sometimes from starvation, or heart failure. It is a real thing with real consequences. And I know how it feels, because I have experimented with eating disorders. I struggled on and off with bulimia for a while, and I could feel myself getting close to the point where I would need help. And God, being rich in mercy, knew I was slipping into a deep hole. He put a person in my life who helped me, and he led me to a place of healing before it was too late. If you don’t know what bulimia is, please look it up because I can’t bring myself to describe it to you. If you do know what it is, then you can understand how scary and harmful it truly is. The other eating disorder that is better known is called anorexia. I also experimented here, but it was never a true health issue just an emotional issue. Again, God protected me from harm, praise the Lord. Since I have been there, done that I feel as though I can help someone who struggles with the same things I once struggled with. Instead of harming yourself, try and better yourself. Don’t deprive yourself of food, but eat healthier. And always remember that you are amazing, and no one could be a better you than you are right now. I have to tell myself this too, but it’s true. “The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.”(Zephaniah 3:17)
Another issue is self harm. You might not understand this at all. Why would people want to cut themselves? Doesn’t it hurt? Well, it does hurt. I have scars. And again, why on earth would I try and hurt myself on purpose? Well, I know that there are many reasons why people cut themselves. Sometimes they feel as though they deserve punishment, so they decide to inflict it upon themselves. Or sometimes, the feeling of cutting and releasing blood releases emotions and pent-up feelings that some people may feel that they cannot release any other way. And why did I try it? I’m not even sure exactly. Because I wanted to see if it helped I guess. But it didn’t, it just hurt. When you want to vent, or get out some emotions, you don’t have to hurt yourself. Talk about it with someone who cares about you, and I can guarantee that there is at least one person in this world who cares about you. Take a walk and pray. Being in nature and talking to God is very therapeutic. You can even scream into your pillow to release some stored up feelings, that sort of thing helps. And if you feel as though you are a horrible person in need of punishment… Well, the truth is that you are. And so am I. We are sinful and wretched, and in need of punishment. But Someone took the punishment for us already. He was cut, and He bled for us. Actually, He died for us too because our sin was worth that much pain and punishment. And if you put your faith in Him, repent of your sins and live for Him, He will save you from punishment. Your life won’t be perfect, He doesn’t promise that. But your life after death will be perfect. He took the punishment that you deserved, that I deserved, and put it on Himself so that we wouldn’t have to die the eternal death that our sins deserved. Don’t try and punish yourself for something that you did. Jesus took that upon Himself for you, because He loves you. “He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him.” (2 Corinthians 5:21)
Ok, here is where it gets really scary. Being alone and depressed is a very dangerous place to be. I can remember several times when I was alone at night, and I wanted to die. I wanted to kill myself. Suicide. Why would anyone want to kill themselves? It seems so strange and foreign. I think that the reasons for suicide or suicidal thoughts can be narrowed down to a few; the feeling of being inadequate, the feeling of being unloved or unwanted, and just being done with life. I think when I thought of suicide was when I was just done living, done trying. I never attempted suicide, but I thought about how I could. And it truly is a scary place to be when you’re alone at night. I would tell myself things that weren’t true, but hurt excruciatingly. I guess that sometimes I couldn’t discern the truth when I was upset because nothing made sense. I would think about how awesome it would be to die, but then I would think about the things I wanted to do with my life. I thought about the people I loved, and how much I would miss them. Then in the morning, I wondered what on earth could’ve been so horrible that I wanted to take my own life. Some of the things that upset me might be considered childish. Like boy problems, and feeling as though I could not ever bounce back from an argument with my parents. But nothing is that bad, truly. My problems are so small in the grand scheme of things. Your problems may be bigger than mine, or smaller even. I am not trying to undermine your feelings in any way. But no problem is big enough to make you take your own life. None of my problems are big enough either. Don’t stay alone in your problems, tell someone; someone who loves you, and who will give you loving advice. Not someone who will give just give you sympathy or encouragement, but someone who is willing to tell you what’s what. I have friends like that, godly friends who are blunt yet loving. Without their support, I don’t know where I would be today. And also, God protected in those times where I was alone. He was there at all hours of the day, and I can’t say that about any of my friends. Pray when you feel sad and depressed. You can find comfort in Christ always, because no one loves you more than He does. You don’t have to end your own life because you feel “not good enough.” God gave His life for you because he loves you. Don’t you think that means you are indeed good enough? It shows me that I am good enough, good enough to stay alive, and that I am loved. “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” (John 3:16)
Sitting alone in my room. The feelings of doubt creep in, the feelings of being unwanted pour over me. They don’t go away on their own and they definitely don’t go away right away, but in time. I am not depressed. I am sad, and sadness is circumstantial. Like happiness. I can’t let experiences and emotions dictate my worth or my mood. We need to learn that we are important and special. We also need to be careful that we do not become proud or pompous. If we can find our identity in Christ, everything else will eventually fall into place. When feelings of inadequacy creep in, I can go to Him for comfort and release. He is faithful always and in everything. Look to Him in your time of need, not to yourself or to other people necessarily, but look to Him first.  “I lift my eyes toward the mountains. Where will my help come from?  My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not allow your foot to slip; your Protector will not slumber.  Indeed, the Protector of Israel does not slumber or sleep. The Lord protects you; the Lord is a shelter right by your side.  The sun will not strike you by day or the moon by night.  The Lord will protect you from all harm; He will protect your life. The Lord will protect your coming and going both now and forever.” (Psalm 121)

Published by: Tilly Grace

An aspiring writer, hoping to use the gifts God has given and the experiences He has allowed to encourage others in their walk with Him. Shared hope, shared life, shared dreams, shared joy, shared tears, shared grief, shared glory.

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